It's so hard to be a 1st child in a family. Too many thing's to handle, too many heart to take care, too many responsibility to hold on.
Sometimes i feel i hold too many sin in my life. Because of what? Because i always argue with my family and always try to run away from them.
On my last birthday, i take my own leave, just to rest up my mind from my practical life. I try to enjoying myself by look up the sky, feel grateful because still have a chance to breath for 24 years and started thinking about my future life.
As usual, on my birthday, i love to stay alone and thinking about myself. I celebrate it by go to KFC and enjoying eating alone and watching people around me. They look so fun, so enjoy, sitting together with their partner and some them "lepaking" with their group of friends. I admit it sometimes i feel jealous when people some of my friend celebrate their special day with their family, friends or their lovely one's while i'm just sitting alone and watching "drama" around" me. It's only sometimes la. Most of the time i feel comfortable living in my own life, staying alone because i need a space in my mind.
Hurmm, what i'm trying to say is i always feel disappointed with my family. Last year i feel sad because my parents doesn't remember my birthday. I didn't want anything from them, but i just want they give their wish for me. But until 1 whole day i wait so long, i know they didn't remember my birthday. It's okey, i trying to accept it by saying to myself "they are busy".
This year i think is the worst one's. That night, i don't know why my sister should spoil my day. I'm trying to be happy for all day along because it's been a while i didn't laugh at all but on that night she spoil everything. Okey, i'm sad. Sad with what she have done. Oh God, lucky i still can control my temper because not try to slap her face. Now i don't know for how long i need to run away from my family problem, run away from everything in my life and rest for all my life.
Damn, i'm fed up to pretend happy but my inside is full of scar. I love the way my parents care about us, but please mom! dad! stop pampering your children! Because the love that you give to them make them being so rude with you guys.
Why not take firm action over them as you treat me first?! Why? I hope i could ask this question to my parents, but i can't. I'm weak. I don't know how i could handle my family anymore. It's a big responsibility to take with. I'm quiet not because i can't see your sadness in your eyes but i can't speak when i'm sad. Sorry dad, mom....
p/s: I always need someone who could spend a little time with me and be my listener for a while.